The struggle to find genuine friendship

Ever scrolled through your social media feed and thought, Who are these people, really? We're more ‘connected’ than ever – hundreds of 'friends', 'followers', and 'contacts' – yet sometimes it feels like we’re drowning in shallow waters. We interact with each other through screens, but when it comes down to it, who would actually show up for you in real life? And I don’t mean showing up in the comments section with a thumbs-up emoji. I mean really be there when it counts.

For me, this question has always been on my mind. I’ve never found it easy to make friends – not real ones, anyway. Growing up, I was surrounded by plenty of people who smiled sweetly to your face, while sharpening their knives behind your back. My deeply religious environment didn’t help either – there was always a sense of self-interest lurking behind all that piety. The kind of people who, when push came to shove, would throw you under the bus in a heartbeat. Lovely, eh?

When "friends" let you down

Those experiences shaped me, and not in the best way. It’s left me with a scepticism that’s hard to shake. Even now, I sometimes wonder if anyone can be trusted fully. I’ve seen ‘friends’ turn on each other for the pettiest of reasons. So, I’ve learned to be cautious – maybe too cautious at times – but can you blame me?

And then there’s the professional world. If you think figuring out friendships in personal life is hard, just wait until you’re dealing with so-called 'business friends'. I can’t count the times I thought I had a solid friendship with someone, only to find out I was just another ‘contact’ in their network. A stepping stone. A LinkedIn connection. Maybe I was useful for a time, but when the chips were down? Nowhere to be found.

Friends vs. Contacts: The big mix-up

I’ll tell you where I went wrong – mixing up friends and business contacts. Paul Scanlon, someone I listen to quite a bit, said something that stuck with me: relationships are spacial. What he means is that we often screw things up by putting the wrong people in the wrong spaces. We bring business contacts into the personal friend zone, and hold actual friends at arm’s length like we’re networking at a dull conference.

I’ve made that mistake plenty of times – assuming someone was a friend when they were really just an associate. It’s not pretty when you realise you’ve been over-sharing or relying on someone who doesn’t actually see you as anything more than a professional convenience. And yep, it hurts. Sometimes that hurt is self-inflicted, because I let people in too quickly, expected too much. Other times, the pain comes from betrayal – people showing their true colours just a little too late for me to protect myself.

Trust issues? I've got lots of them.

Trust? It doesn’t come easy. Not for me, anyway. I’ll be honest – it’s always been a struggle, and it’s not just because of past disappointments. It’s partly just how I’m wired. I’m an INFP, for those who care about personality types – which basically means I feel everything deeply, but I find it tough to get close to people. I want those deep, meaningful friendships, but the process of getting there? Well, it’s complicated. And sometimes terrifying.

Oh, and let’s not forget the ADHD and being on the spectrum – two little quirks that make navigating relationships like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube while blindfolded. When I do connect with someone, I’m all in – there’s no halfway for me. But before I get to that point, I’m constantly second-guessing myself. Am I too much? Too intense? Is this person actually interested in being a friend, or are they just being polite?

Then there’s social media, which amplifies all these fears. Everyone’s life looks so damn perfect online. The career wins, the holidays, the “just another normal Tuesday” glamour shots. It’s hard to know who’s being real, and who’s just performing. And it’s even harder to be vulnerable with someone when all you’re seeing is their highlight reel.

I don't want perfect, I want real.

Despite all this – and trust me, there’s a lot going on in my head – I still hold out hope. Call me a dreamer, but I don’t want social media to become a place where everyone just pretends they’re perfect. I want to connect with real people, not polished avatars. I want friendships that go beyond the digital thumbs-up, beyond the ‘great post’ comments.

I want relationships that are raw, honest, and a little messy – because that’s where the real magic happens. I don’t need someone who’s always got their act together. I need people who can admit that sometimes life’s a bit of a shambles. People who aren’t afraid to be themselves, flaws and all.

What I really want is for social media to be a space where we can stop pretending. Where we can show up as we are, and be met with understanding rather than judgment. Because the truth is, real friendships take time, trust, and a good dose of vulnerability. And in a world that thrives on looking perfect, that’s a hard thing to find.

The long road to trust

So, where does that leave me? Still on the journey, to be honest. Still trying to figure out how to let people in without feeling like I’m setting myself up for another disappointment. I’m working on it – learning to give people the benefit of the doubt without handing them the keys to my inner world straight away.

I’m also trying to let go of this idea that everything needs to be perfect. That I need to be perfect. It’s okay if things are a bit messy, if friendships take time to build, if I don’t always get it right. What matters is that I keep showing up, keep trying, and keep hoping that, one day, the right people will show up too.

Because real friendships – the kind that stand the test of time, the ones where you know without a doubt that person’s got your back – are worth waiting for. They’re worth the effort, the vulnerability, and even the occasional let down..

And as much as social media might make it harder to figure out who’s a mate and who’s a contact, I still believe those connections are out there. It just takes time. And maybe a little more patience than I’d like.